Omg so much has happened since that reiki treatment. Like major life changing stuff. So the day I got my Reiki treatment done, I went to a family friends party and had a great time. Rose being the youngest kid at the party just had the best time!!!
Anyways, we came home late but the trouble ensued the next day. Ryan and I both felt so bloated the entire day. First we didn’t feel like having breakfast and we brushed it off thinking oh we are just full from last night as we have had dinner at 10:30pm last night. But at lunch time, I still didn’t feel hungry and Ryan ate a little i think. Just before dinner time, we were feeling real crappy and i felt constipated so I took 2 pills of Laxative to help me out. Ryan took 1 of it. And we went out walking to the nearby Dollarama to get a few things. We both didn’t feel good. We were picking up and putting Rose down and we cut that trip short after a while. We came home and I decided to finally eat. I had very little and went to bed around 930pm since I felt so awful and soon after, I had a big bowel movement. I thought great that must feel better so around 10pm I went to bed. I fell asleep but around 10:30pm, I felt crazy awful like gagging. So I got up!
Okay time for a backstory around my phobia of vomiting! I’ve had trauma of vomiting since the last 24 years. When I was 8 years old, I got really sick in India and vomited about 8 times and with no running water and not anyone around to help me. I was not sure what was going on. I just got really sick and the next day, I was traumatized. I think I told my parents the next day, well my mom had to see the puddle I made overnight and have had to clean it up. I was traumatized ever since. I have been pregnant twice in the last 24 years and sick as a dog but always manage to not puke. My life was nothing but hell the first 3-4 months of my pregnancy.
And in all these years, I avoided drinking too much and eating too much whenever I wentout, sticking to safe foods and outright lucky to honestly not get really bad food poisoning. Sometimes I have had upset stomach, but I had been able to influence my body where I didn’t have to barf, but I lived scared to get sick again. It was because it made me feel like I would die alone and no one to help me. My “little me” unhealed traumatic little Nav would take over everytime and panicking I had developed a strategy that worked for the last 24 years. In all these years, I couldn’t hear anyone vomiting either, i would run out of the house till i couldn’t hear them or not even come close to help them. It’s in my nature to help people, be of service so that’s been very hard on me also. Like emotional guilt each time especially if it was my husband or family member.
Now that we know of my traumatic experience, lets get back to the present day story….so as soon as I gagged, I immediately got up and begged Ryan to go to the nearby store to get me a Gingerale or 7-up! Something i can drink and burp out my discomfort caused by excess gas. That had been my strategy for the last 2 decades and it worked for me every. single. time.
So Ryan thankfully went. It was a matter of 5-7 minutes till I would feel better. But as soon as Ryan left, I got the strongest urge to hit the bathroom. I had the worst smelling diarrhea ever. The smell made me gag even more but I somehow courageously made it out. Next minute later, my stomach is grumbling and now it feels worse than before. At this point my strong self talk kicks in. I take myself from top of the stairs to 9 stairs down to sit on a landing and at this point, I still don’t hear Ryan coming up. I knew I had only myself to keep dealing with my worst fear. Here I was alone again, oh the irony!
I sat on the stairs feeling like I am going to pass out. As I am about to black out and partially do, I gag and I vomit. I opened my eyes promptly after, just realizing what had happened and ran over to the kitchen and was out my mouth as fast as I could and feeling like BETTER. ACTUALLY. But I dare not look that my vomit
It legit scared me. I found my phone and called Ryan. He told me he got stuck getting my drink and was on his way back. It didn’t matter at this point i thought, I did the deed. He came home as I had left the door wide open for him to come home.
Then I hear footsteps and our dog starting to bark and its 11pm late at night on Christmas eve eve. Its holiday time but still rude. Ryan had gingerale in his hands and told me that I had vomited. His jaw literally dropped because he knows I would go to any lengths to avoid that. He said “where?” And started cleaning up.
Next I made my way up to the bedroom and thought it was over. I texted my family and felt so much better. And I thought wow, I can’t believe what just happned. Sitting there in awe for about 10 minutes, I take few sips of the gingerale. And oh oh i hear my stomach grumbling and oh oh, I gotta run to the bathroom fast…and I don’t. And I poop my pants. No kidding and Ryan started helping me get out of the bedand I don’t feel like moving. I feel awfully again and I am gonna black out and out came another burst, well 3 times and I was in a mess!! I couldn’t believe how much I threw up!! I wanted to get away from it as fast as possible because I thought looking at it would make me more sick. Somehow I walked over to the bathroom and 10 minutes later, found myself washing myself in the tub.
and then 15 minutes later…same story..again…back in the tub again cleaning myself up.
I’m exhausted at this point but one thought keeps circulating my head. “I can’t believe I THREW UP”. When you develop a phobia for something, facing it makes you realize what a big thing i made up of it…all these years.
Am I still scared of throwing up? Yes I am
Would I run away whenever I hear someone throwing up? Oh yes and I will plug my ears too, while I am back at it.
But….I now KNOW what’s the experience like and how it feels afterwards. And I think the next time it happens, I won’t freak out. Or I like to think I won’t. And I know food poisoning or throwing up doesn’t kill you and it makes you a lot better than how it deels during it.
And that’s a huge life change for me.
Xx