India 2020

Ending 2019, I decided to visit India with my family and my daughter Rose. She’s 16 months old and a lot of people told me to not go but I had too much FOMO. I decided to take the plunge. Its been a week so far and it’s been great and some things have truly sucked.

I am glad I am here though. My parents have ensured they provide everything we ask, especially for their grand daughter.

India is:

  1. So Lively. There’s music playing. Loudly in the neighborhood. Someone is always whistling looking to sell fruits and vegetables. We have renters next door who are around and I hear them. You never feel alone here and yet you can close your door and have privacy.
  2. Cheap. OMG. When it comes to spending dollars. Its cheap and food is tasty. Win win.
  3. People are friendly. They smile. They help if you ask.
  4. Familiar language- easy to converse and understand. Especially for my mom.
  5. Family that truly loves and cares: Not everyone but enough that care. Family is amazing!

Till next time!!

2020 Intentions

FUN and OPTIMIZATION are the words of the Year.

  • I have started the year with a family vacation in mexico with rose and that is surely FUN
  • Next I am going to take our daughter to India for 2 months and that is going to be a lot of FUN.
  • The 3 of us, our family with our dog are going to do fun things together this year. As Rose is becoming more independent and we are gaining more confidence as parents, we will be having FUN together.
  • Fun with friends and family at get togethers, girls trips, going out.
  • Go out with couples like us – Vanessa and hubby and kids, Mexel.
  • Learn teaching bhangra and teach few classes a week. Fitness accountability

OPTIMIZATION:

This is the year to strengthen the systems that got established in 2018.

  • Continue fitness 3 times a week – make it all Fun.
  • Continue Intermittent Fasting M-F till I get to physical desire. Make it fun, small goals
  • Start Full time well paying job – working Mon-Fri with EDO every 2nd week. A great team with leadership in place and get mentored. Permanent City job. *Universe are you listening?*
  • Scheduled self care – Pedi in summer, Girls trip, Celine Dion concert with mom, Massage, Fitness 3x a week, Cook, coloring butterflies, baths scheduled in calendar.
  • Writing a book – Working with a book coach and getting it done.
  • Published through hayhouse. Dedicated to Jayden.
  • Move into a bigger comfortable home.
  • Rose in swimming lessons. Explore Golf and Swimming- FUN.

Amen! Lets have a kickass year 2020!

xxxx

Facing childhood trauma (and not by choice)

Omg so much has happened since that reiki treatment. Like major life changing stuff. So the day I got my Reiki treatment done, I went to a family friends party and had a great time. Rose being the youngest kid at the party just had the best time!!!

Anyways, we came home late but the trouble ensued the next day. Ryan and I both felt so bloated the entire day. First we didn’t feel like having breakfast and we brushed it off thinking oh we are just full from last night as we have had dinner at 10:30pm last night. But at lunch time, I still didn’t feel hungry and Ryan ate a little i think. Just before dinner time, we were feeling real crappy and i felt constipated so I took 2 pills of Laxative to help me out. Ryan took 1 of it. And we went out walking to the nearby Dollarama to get a few things. We both didn’t feel good. We were picking up and putting Rose down and we cut that trip short after a while. We came home and I decided to finally eat. I had very little and went to bed around 930pm since I felt so awful and soon after, I had a big bowel movement. I thought great that must feel better so around 10pm I went to bed. I fell asleep but around 10:30pm, I felt crazy awful like gagging. So I got up!

Okay time for a backstory around my phobia of vomiting! I’ve had trauma of vomiting since the last 24 years. When I was 8 years old, I got really sick in India and vomited about 8 times and with no running water and not anyone around to help me. I was not sure what was going on. I just got really sick and the next day, I was traumatized. I think I told my parents the next day, well my mom had to see the puddle I made overnight and have had to clean it up. I was traumatized ever since. I have been pregnant twice in the last 24 years and sick as a dog but always manage to not puke. My life was nothing but hell the first 3-4 months of my pregnancy.

And in all these years, I avoided drinking too much and eating too much whenever I wentout, sticking to safe foods and outright lucky to honestly not get really bad food poisoning. Sometimes I have had upset stomach, but I had been able to influence my body where I didn’t have to barf, but I lived scared to get sick again. It was because it made me feel like I would die alone and no one to help me. My “little me” unhealed traumatic little Nav would take over everytime and panicking I had developed a strategy that worked for the last 24 years. In all these years, I couldn’t hear anyone vomiting either, i would run out of the house till i couldn’t hear them or not even come close to help them. It’s in my nature to help people, be of service so that’s been very hard on me also. Like emotional guilt each time especially if it was my husband or family member.

Now that we know of my traumatic experience, lets get back to the present day story….so as soon as I gagged, I immediately got up and begged Ryan to go to the nearby store to get me a Gingerale or 7-up! Something i can drink and burp out my discomfort caused by excess gas. That had been my strategy for the last 2 decades and it worked for me every. single. time.

So Ryan thankfully went. It was a matter of 5-7 minutes till I would feel better. But as soon as Ryan left, I got the strongest urge to hit the bathroom. I had the worst smelling diarrhea ever. The smell made me gag even more but I somehow courageously made it out. Next minute later, my stomach is grumbling and now it feels worse than before. At this point my strong self talk kicks in. I take myself from top of the stairs to 9 stairs down to sit on a landing and at this point, I still don’t hear Ryan coming up. I knew I had only myself to keep dealing with my worst fear. Here I was alone again, oh the irony!

I sat on the stairs feeling like I am going to pass out. As I am about to black out and partially do, I gag and I vomit. I opened my eyes promptly after, just realizing what had happened and ran over to the kitchen and was out my mouth as fast as I could and feeling like BETTER. ACTUALLY. But I dare not look that my vomit

It legit scared me. I found my phone and called Ryan. He told me he got stuck getting my drink and was on his way back. It didn’t matter at this point i thought, I did the deed. He came home as I had left the door wide open for him to come home.

Then I hear footsteps and our dog starting to bark and its 11pm late at night on Christmas eve eve. Its holiday time but still rude. Ryan had gingerale in his hands and told me that I had vomited. His jaw literally dropped because he knows I would go to any lengths to avoid that. He said “where?” And started cleaning up.

Next I made my way up to the bedroom and thought it was over. I texted my family and felt so much better. And I thought wow, I can’t believe what just happned. Sitting there in awe for about 10 minutes, I take few sips of the gingerale. And oh oh i hear my stomach grumbling and oh oh, I gotta run to the bathroom fast…and I don’t. And I poop my pants. No kidding and Ryan started helping me get out of the bedand I don’t feel like moving. I feel awfully again and I am gonna black out and out came another burst, well 3 times and I was in a mess!! I couldn’t believe how much I threw up!! I wanted to get away from it as fast as possible because I thought looking at it would make me more sick. Somehow I walked over to the bathroom and 10 minutes later, found myself washing myself in the tub.

and then 15 minutes later…same story..again…back in the tub again cleaning myself up.

I’m exhausted at this point but one thought keeps circulating my head. “I can’t believe I THREW UP”. When you develop a phobia for something, facing it makes you realize what a big thing i made up of it…all these years.

Am I still scared of throwing up? Yes I am

Would I run away whenever I hear someone throwing up? Oh yes and I will plug my ears too, while I am back at it.

But….I now KNOW what’s the experience like and how it feels afterwards. And I think the next time it happens, I won’t freak out. Or I like to think I won’t. And I know food poisoning or throwing up doesn’t kill you and it makes you a lot better than how it deels during it.

And that’s a huge life change for me.

Xx

Yesterday’s Reiki treatment

Yesterday a dear friend of mine gave me massage + Reiki treatment and I had an emotional realease. I didn’t have any expectations going into the session. In the hour reiki treatment, I had quite the release of emotions when she did Reiki on my tummy and hips. A lot of hidden difficult feelings came up to be released. I was taken back to the time I delivered Jayden and his shoulders got stuck and the trauma mixed with grief of it all, I honestly never had paid too much attention to those body parts specifically the hips.

The Reiki therapist mentioned that my heart chakra was full of love and some energy centre, the sacral centre, some feelings came up and it was ready to be released.

I thought alot about Jayden and how i still miss him and wish he was around and the difficulties I continue to face as now we have a living child. I miss him, plain and simple and alot of the feelings that came up were raw yet settled.

I’m in a different place with my grief as I have been in years. And thats good and all but when new feelings get released, the process looks very similar. I feel off and agitated a bit although I try my best to stay busy and positive. As i know these feelings will pass. Just a matter of time.

I know release is always good, sometimes just not welcomed or I should say the side effects are not welcomed.

I’ve known for about a year now, maybe more, that I have some trauma/emotional weight that I am carrying around my stomach and hips area because I am unable to release weight no matter what I did.

So this is a good thing because energy needs to be in circulated, just now water needs to be running, its beautiful when its circulating otherwise it starts to stink and become illness.

And so it is….courageous steps.

Need to rest today, go walking and stay busy nevertheless.

Xx

Christmas Memorial service

Last night we took Rose and my MIL to the service for Jayden. We have been part of this community for under 5 years and every year, except this year, I have gone but feeling afraid, anxious, confused, angry and never been able to say his name. Last night it was different. I WANTED to go this year as its our time and tradition to honor jayden during the Christmas holidays. But this year my grief for his loss had turned into this beautiful unfolding of LOVE for him as he lives on through me and Ryan. And lives in our family.

In the past years, I have been afraid to not invite anyone from the family because they never mentioned him so i never did. It was just this awkward thing that was part of our lives. And that broke my heart so I never invited family but this year i wanted to let everyone in as I had crafted room in my own heart. For him.

The service was beautiful, they say poems, prayers, songs that make you think of your little baby, that you continue to long for. It made me reflect on how far we have come as an individual and as a couple and as a family. We are strengthened by this hard loss yet continue to march forward with courage and love and hope.

We got to light a candle, as did other parents and we stood in a long lineup with Rose and I SPOKE ABOUT HIM. OF HIM. WITHOUT BREAKING DOWN. THIS is a big deal for me because I haven’t even been able to do just that, for 4 years. I was so proud of myself! Thanks Jayden, my baby, your mama is getting stronger, and more loving because that is a proof. And then we grabbed a blue star with his name on it and placed it on the Christmas tree where everyone had put their babies star on it. It seemed to be the most beautiful tree I had ever seen. That tree to me represented our community of grieving parents who ache for their babies. Its our love for our babies that bonds the community and provides comfort at this time of the year.

And my MIL thanked me for inviting her and she said she would like to attend again next year. Honestly that is my Christmas gift this season as this is a Christmas miracle that i have been wanting sinceour 1st Christmas without Jayden.

I’m in love and I am gonna make sure his name and his short life creative a massive ripple effect throughout my life. Because a life, no matter how small, matters. ❤💝

Xxx

What had I decided

I need to stay on course, its so tempting to get distracted with the next big thing. I think a simple life is attractive. I had decided:

  1. Not go to bachelor Psychology courses and become a therapist, invest $60K into a masters program to counsel people my whole life. Don’t want to study at this point.
  2. Going to have a full time job paying $55,000 and above (Don’t accept any less) – I am worth more BABY!
  3. Do Staff Support job and looking for HR/Career Advisor job on the side – apply, go for interviews, accept the right job (money, work, excitement)
  4. Do Staff Support job and work on Jayden’s book
  5. Do Staff Support job and look for virtual coaching coaching jobs

I just feel overwhelmed by everyone teaching me what to do or what is great to aim for? Like why not just live and become better at whatever I am working on.

3 things I am working on right now:

  1. Writing this book by writing all the content out by March 21, 2020 (Jayden’s 5 year anniversary and sending it to an editor)
  2. Working out 3x times a week on Zumba workouts….till I get into my ideal size and then doing Yoga 3x a week to maintain it (or something like it)
  3. Making full time money in a job and saving that money 🙂 (and looking for something meaningful on the side)

AKA There is no time to develop the business just yet.

Sickness

Sitting in my bath tonight, I have been trying to sit down and write all day. Finally at 8.10pm I get a chance. I’m at last feeling better from my almost 2 weeks cold. Argh. I hate being unhealthy. Its shown me a few things as I had to rest for about 5 full days, as much as a parent can. Lol. My husband helped out so much, it almost surprised me.

For not being so sick again, I’m going to implement few things in place:

  1. BE A HEALTH NUT: Eat right and at the right time. Intermittent fasting for the win, I’ve done it before. Can do it again. Do not over eat sugar. Remember the pimples and spots on your face. Gross, its not worth it.
  2. VITAMINS: Daily dose with Probiotics. No Excuse. Its the easiest thing to health. Put PB Assist Jr is Rose plain yogurt. Be Proactive.
  3. BE FIT: And have fun doing it. Tis’ the season that Rose daddy can handle it in the evening and go to the gym. Enjoy classes. Be active. Put in the work. Loose the tummy weight.
  4. START NOW: Why wait? Make a scheudle. Tell hubby and get to it. M,T,F,S – 4 days a week, rest break! Don’t wait for a restart in Jan 2020, do it now!

To a better healthy self.

Boundaries

Sometimes I have a tendency to just give and give. But when i need help from the same people, the same people fail me. I think I need to become more boundaried as a person and so I don’t give so much that I regret later.

When a friend is in need of my help, I drop everything and become available for them. But when I need their assistance, they are not available. They become available on a time convenient for them. It hurts me when this happens so I need to start protecting my energy and not always be available for when others want my support.

I’ve been very sick for the last 10 days and I can’t seem to be getting better fast enough. As a working parent, there is no rest. I only rest when my kid goes to sleep but even then there’s stuff to do thats gotta get done like cooking cleaning, laundry etc. My husband has been sick too and not fully recovered. While him and i share the load, when both of us are sick, we wear down fast. And this is when we need help and no one seems to care except my family. They are the only ones that seem to drop by to play with Rose, to pick her up from the daycare, and to make food. I’m so Grateful. I often don’t give them the credit or gratitude they deserve.

As for the rest, I’m learning that I need to give with an expectation that I will be supported by them too, when in need. And if not, I don’t need to keep showing up for people who can’t return The favors when I need their help.

Sydney lately has been a huge pain in the butt. She just fucking talks and talks for hours without taking a break or listening to anyone else. She doesn’t stop talking. Its hard to be around her. She is not interested in checking in with us on how we are doing she just comes over and dumps. All of her thoughts on us. She’s never really come over to help with Rose either. It’s so annoying! Argh.

Need to send some boundaries because my help and attention is worth something. I don’t want anyone to exploit this resource. I work hard on maintaining it.

Boundaries:

  1. I am not available for Sydney calls, atleast not right away. Don’t be available to her so much. She needs to value my time and attention. Maybe she can go without a hiccup in life without my help.
  2. I will not sit alone or with others when Sydney is babbling about something she’s passionate about. Its tiring to listen to her ideas vomit.
  3. I will not let her suck me into her vortex when she’s having the best pr the worst time of her life. Just be mindful and don’t engage.
  4. I will ask for more help with Rose directly while we go out for a movie or something.
  5. I will practice taking from her, more often than giving.
  6. Just don’t spend any quality time together for a while. Take a break like 3 months or something.
  7. Protect my energy to be more present with Rose and Hubby.

I know and believe that a friend in need is a friend indeed. And being sick lately has definitely shown me who is who.

Tough lessons.

Xx

Dec is the time to REFLECT!

December the first week is my favorite time to reflect..before all the holidays crazies begin!. I have done this for the last 6 years now and its a practice I started with as I get to celebrate, learn and let go of all the crap holding me back, from year to year. It’s a refresh you see. I also started doing this in June as a mid-point of the year, just this last year I couldn’t get to it as I was busy being a mom and financial stresses over us.

Here are some groundrules that I set with myself or others that I am with or at a workshop for all the attendees

We are going to have compassion for ourselves and others as we reflect

We are going to hold space for others and listen, and holding back the need to FIX the other person. There is no end time on this. Take as much time as you need.

We are going to celebrate achievements of others and ourselves.

Okay here are the questions: tools taken from Marie Forleo

  1. Digestion – What did I do, create or experience in the last year that I am really proud of? What are the big things and small things you made happen this last year? What are the obstacles you have overcome? What are the results you have created in the last 10 years in your career, business or life? So if you need to jog your memory, check out some of your old calendars, look at journals, you can even go back in emails, or honestly, looking through all the photos on your phone is an excellent way to get your mind thinking of everything that you’ve done.
  2. What mistakes that I made that taught me something? What lessons did I learn that I can leverage? What are some of the things that just didn’t go so well? How can I do better next time? How can I use this to grow into a better and wiser person?
  3. What am I willing to let go of? What are the projects or the goals or things that have been hanging around on your to-do list for years that you just never get to? What can you get out of? or release yourself from or just drop it like a hot pocket? Any goal that is no longer aligned with who you are right now or who you want to be in the future or where you want to go?
  4. Then we gotta take this question inside – what resentments, anger, what hurts you are willing to let go of? What kind of guilt, shame, embarrassments you are holding onto? What stories are you telling yourself that are no longer serving you?
  5. Rumi Quote: Be like the tree, just drop the dead leaves.

Questions to ask to reflect on the last decade: tools taken from Marie Forleo

OR SOME NERDY people like me, its also time to do a DECADE IN REVIEW. Next year is a start of a new decade.

There’s a maxim I love from psychologist and computer scientist J.C.R. Licklider: “People overestimate what can be done in one year, and underestimate what can be done in ten.”

Section 1: What You’re Proud Of  

  1. Over the past 10 years, what have you done that you’re proud of? 
  2. What are the obstacles you’ve overcome? 
  3. What are some of the results you’ve created in your career or life since 2010?
  4. All right, so in this section I want you to ask yourself, over these past 10 years, what have you done that you’re super proud of? What are the obstacles that you’ve overcome? What are some of the results that you’ve created, whether it’s in your career or your business or your life since 2010? I know going back 10 years, it’s a big deal, right? So if you need to jog your memory, check out some of your old calendars, look at journals, you can even go back in emails, or honestly, looking through all the photos on your phone is an excellent way to get your mind thinking of everything that you’ve done.

This may take some time, but it’s worth it. 

Have you made major changes in your life, think about your finances, or your health or your career, or maybe your living situation. Are there certain things that you’ve created or overcome in your family, or maybe in your creative life? Maybe it has to do with your physical space, your home, or your emotional habits. I want you to list it all down, big and  small, and everything in between.

What Was Most Important & Why

Once you’re done, go back over that list and answer these questions: 

  1. Out of everything you listed, what’s most important? Circle whatever jumps out to you.
  2. Why is that most important?

When you know the things that have made the biggest difference in the quality of your life, you’ll be able to make wiser decisions as you plan the next ten years.

Once you have that, you’re going to write a few sentences about the most important things that you’re proud of and why that actually matters. Because here’s the truth. When you know what’s been the most meaningful and the most significant things to you, when you really understand what’s moved the needle the most and made the biggest difference in the quality of your life over these past 10 years, I’m going to tell you, that insight is going to help you make wise decisions about how to spend the next 10 years.

Section 2: Your Learnings

  1. What have you learned over these past ten years? 
  2. What wisdom has become crystal clear to you?
  3. What mistakes did you make and what did you learn from them? 

Think through your career, family, relationships, time, health, finances, and creativity and write them all down — big and small. 

In this section you’re going to answer this question: what have you learned over the past 10 years? What wisdom has just become crystal clear to you? Again, think through your business, or your career, or your family, or your relationships, or your health, or whatever. One of the best ways I think to actually find all the best lessons is to actually look for your mistakes, right? The places where you ran into the wall or you found yourself on your knees or it was really painful. What are some of the things that didn’t go so well over this last decade, and how can you really learn and leverage those experiences?

What Was Most Important and Why

Look at the list you just created and ask these questions:

  1. What lessons were the biggest game-changers?
  2. Why do these matter to you? 
  3. What do you really want to remember as you move into this brand new decade?

Then ask yourself, in these past 10 years, what are the most game-changing things that you’ve learned and why? What do you really want to make sure that you remember as you move into this brand new decade? Then you’re going to write a new little subheading that says The Most Important Lessons and Why They Matter. You’re going to write down your most important lessons and why they matter to you. I have to say that this section is so crucial and it’s something that you should really look at often. The reason why is many of us have this pattern. We make the same damn mistakes over and over and over again, and this list will actually help you avoid that.

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